The Weight of Time: Why Divorce Feels Harder as We Grow Older
Divorce is widely recognized as one of life’s most challenging experiences. While it can be difficult at any age, many people find that ending a long-term marriage — particularly later in life — carries a unique emotional and existential weight. This difficulty isn’t just about breaking up; it’s about disentangling a life built over years of shared meaning, love, passion, lust, identity, and intertwined responsibilities. Growing apart can at times feel and be experienced as the loss of our entire world and existential purpose.
Marriage Duration and Age at Divorce in the UK
Data from England and Wales offers a concrete sense of how long many marriages last before ending in divorce. In 2023, the median duration of marriages ending in divorce was about 12.7 years for opposite-sex couples, illustrating that divorce often comes after a substantial investment of time and identity. For same-sex couples, whose legal recognition in the UK is more recent, the median durations were 7.2 years for male couples and 6.3 years for female couples.
The Emotional Burden of a Life Shared
One reason divorce feels especially difficult with age relates to interdependence and identity. Psychologically, many people internalize a shared life so deeply that the end of a relationship feels like the end of a chapter in their own narrative. Philosopher and psychotherapist Irvin D. Yalom spoke to the core of this struggle in his work on existential psychotherapy, emphasizing that humans are always navigating the “givens” of life — realities like death, freedom, isolation, and meaninglessness. Confronting these givens is central to understanding both love and loss.
Yalom observed that confronting existential realities — such as impermanence and the ground of one’s own choices — can be terrifying precisely because it reveals how responsible we are for our lives and actions. This sense of freedom, while deeply human, can also evoke anxiety, especially when change involves unpredictable social and emotional futures.
A common theme in his work is the tension between freedom and responsibility — the idea that being free to choose our path also means owning the consequences of that choice, without easy external structure or certainty. Outgrowing a long marriage is an example of this existential predicament: the decision to leave is deeply personal and ultimately irreversible, even when it feels necessary.
Why Leaving Becomes Complex Over Time
When couples part ways, they are often confronting not just emotional hurt but also a confrontation with ultimate concerns Yalom described: the isolation that comes from recognizing that “to the extent that one is responsible for one’s life, one is alone,” and the challenge of finding or creating meaning without the structure of a long-term partnership.
People in long marriages may also fear existential isolation — the insight that even the closest relationships cannot completely bridge the gap between one person’s subjective experience and another’s. This does not diminish the value of intimacy, but it does represent a psychological challenge: part of separation is recognizing that no relationship can fully secure us against solitude, and that we must ultimately create meaning from within.
Excerpt from Therapy:
Anna, 52, who divorced after 25 years of marriage:
"At first, I couldn’t fathom being on my own. After so many years of being 'us,' the thought of spending time alone, making decisions on my own, was terrifying. But over time, I realized something: I was the only person who could define my future. It was as though I had been walking around with blinders on, not realizing that I had the ability to create a new life, with all its ups and downs. I still miss the companionship, but I’ve learned to be comfortable in my own solitude. And that’s been incredibly liberating."
Typical Causes of Divorce
Though modern divorce data doesn’t require stated reasons, relationship research and lived experience point to persistent communication breakdowns, conflict, emotional withdrawal, infidelity, incompatible goals, financial stress, and imbalanced emotional challenges as common contributing factors. These problems can become more entrenched over time, making separation feel like both a release and a loss.
Real Life: The Pain of Moving On
Many people describe the emotional aftermath of divorce as prolonged and identity-shaking. One UK resident recalled long months of grief and comparison with an ex-partner’s confidence, struggling to find personal footing. This mirrors what therapists see: even when divorce is the right choice, the loss of routine, shared identity, and envisioned future can feel like bereavement.
Excerpt from Therapy:
Michael, 60, who ended a 34-year marriage:
"I felt like I lost everything. For months, I couldn’t even look at myself in the mirror. I compared myself to her so much — she seemed to be thriving, going on dates, making new friends. Meanwhile, I was stuck. It wasn’t until I started therapy that I realized how much of my identity had been wrapped up in my marriage. I had to grieve that version of myself before I could even think about what came next. It wasn’t easy, but now, I’m starting to see that I’m not just a 'husband' anymore. I’m Michael — and I get to choose what that means."
Growth After Divorce: The Existential Perspective
Despite the pain, many people experience what psychologists call post-traumatic growth — a positive psychological change that emerges through grappling with adversity. Research indicates that individuals often report improvements in self-esteem, clearer values, and greater life satisfaction after working through their divorce and reconstructing a meaningful independent life.
From Yalom’s existential framework, this recovery can be seen as an authentic engagement with life’s givens. For example, he wrote that becoming aware of life’s finite nature can actually motivate people to live more fully, accepting responsibility and shaping meaning rather than avoiding uncertainty. His assertion that “If you want to choose the pleasure of growth, prepare yourself for some pain” poignantly captures how existential anxiety can accompany profound personal transformation.
After a few years of navigating life post-divorce, someone might rediscover an old passion for painting or decide to travel to places they never thought they would before. These activities — which once seemed impossible or unnecessary — become acts of reclaiming their identity and building a life filled with purpose and joy. The process is painful, but ultimately, it opens new doors for growth.
Excerpt from Therapy:
Pauline, 49, after 20 years of marriage:
"I used to think that if I ever got divorced, I’d just fall apart. Instead, I found a new sense of purpose. I started a small business based on something I had always loved but never pursued — pottery. It felt like an act of defiance against the idea that my life was defined by someone else. It was terrifying, but every time I made a new piece, it was a reminder that I am capable of creating something new from the ashes of what I thought was lost."
How Existential and Gestalt Therapy Can Support the End of a Marriage
The end of a long-term marriage often brings profound existential challenges — the questioning of one's identity, the fear of isolation, and the burden of choice and responsibility. In the face of these challenges, both Existential Therapy and Gestalt Therapy can offer valuable insights to help individuals navigate this painful and transformative period. These therapeutic approaches focus on personal responsibility, authenticity, and the present moment, offering tools to heal and rebuild a meaningful life post-divorce.
Existential Therapy and the End of Marriage
Existential Therapy, rooted in the works of philosophers like Jean-Paul Sartre, Viktor Frankl, and Irvin D. Yalom, is particularly well-suited for individuals confronting the deep, often disorienting questions that arise during divorce. This approach focuses on the universal human experience of facing mortality, freedom, isolation, and the search for meaning. These core existential concerns become especially pronounced when the structure of a long-term relationship is dismantled, leaving individuals to rebuild their sense of self and purpose.
Key Principles of Existential Therapy in Divorce:
- Confronting the Reality of Freedom and Responsibility
After divorce, individuals face the profound freedom of creating their own future. While this can be empowering, it can also evoke anxiety, as it brings up the responsibility of shaping one's own life and meaning. Existential therapy helps clients explore these feelings of freedom, guiding them to see this as an opportunity for personal growth. - Navigating Loneliness and Isolation
Divorce brings the painful reality of existential isolation. Existential therapists help clients understand that this isolation is part of the human condition, encouraging them to see it not as a failure, but as a shared experience from which meaning can be created. - Accepting Impermanence and Embracing Change
Divorce forces individuals to confront the impermanence of life. Existential therapy encourages clients to embrace this impermanence, using it as an invitation to redefine their life and purpose.
Gestalt Therapy and the End of Marriage
Gestalt Therapy, developed by Fritz Perls and Laura Perls, focuses on present-moment awareness and self-exploration. It’s particularly helpful for individuals navigating the emotional complexities of divorce, as it emphasizes emotional expression, breaking unhealthy patterns, and rediscovering lost parts of oneself.
Key Principles of Gestalt Therapy in Divorce:
- Awareness of Present Feelings and Emotions
Gestalt therapy emphasizes fully experiencing and expressing emotions in the present moment. It helps individuals process grief, anger, and other intense feelings, offering a safe space for emotional expression. - Reintegrating Parts of the Self
Divorce often leads people to question their identity. Gestalt therapy helps individuals reconnect with their true selves, reclaiming personal power and discovering who they are outside of their marriage. - Dialogue and Resolution of Unfinished Business
Gestalt therapy encourages clients to resolve unresolved emotions by having a “dialogue” with their ex-spouse or with aspects of themselves. This can lead to emotional closure and a sense of healing. - Creating New Patterns and Possibilities
Divorce is an opportunity to break free from old relational patterns. Gestalt therapy helps individuals create new patterns of behaviour and more authentic relationships with themselves and others.
Conclusion: Integrating Existential and Gestalt Therapy for Healing
The end of a marriage, especially later in life, is not simply a legal or emotional event; it’s an existential crisis, a deep confrontation with the nature of identity, freedom, and meaning. Existential therapy helps individuals confront their fear of freedom, isolation, and impermanence, guiding them toward a deeper understanding of their life’s purpose. Gestalt therapy, on the other hand, offers tools for living more fully in the present, processing difficult emotions, and reclaiming lost parts of the self.
Together, these therapeutic approaches can provide a powerful framework for individuals navigating the complexities of divorce, offering not just healing, but the opportunity for profound personal growth and a renewed sense of authenticity and meaning in life.
This article has been written with the support of AI, all the clients’ information have been anonymised to respect confidentiality.